Hi Elizabeth. I'm 21 and still a virgin. I tried to have sex last year, but it was too painful, so I couldn't go through with it. I thought I was ready, but the pain was more than I expected. I could not concentrate on anything else, my mind was on the pain all through before I finally decided to stop trying. I just want to know if it's normal for it to be painful or if I'm not ready yet because I've heard that it will be less painful if you're actually ready to lose your virginity. How will I know when I'm ready and how can I make it less painful?

Q: Hi Elizabeth. I'm 21 and still a virgin. I tried to have sex last year, but it was too painful, so I couldn't go through with it. I thought I was ready, but the pain was more than I expected. I could not concentrate on anything else, my mind was on the pain all through before I finally decided to stop trying. I just want to know if it's normal for it to be painful or if I'm not ready yet because I've heard that it will be less painful if you're actually ready to lose your virginity. How will I know when I'm ready and how can I make it less painful?

You're not alone painful first time sex is more common than you think, and what you experienced sounds like a condition called vaginismus . This is when your vaginal muscles involuntarily tighten, often due to anxiety, fear, or lack of arousal. It can make penetration feel nearly impossible. Sometimes, pain also comes from the hymen stretching or tearing. That doesn't mean you're not ready, it just means your body may need more preparation. If you decide to try again, here are ways to make it less painful: Spend More Time on Foreplay Foreplay helps you relax and get aroused. Take at least 20 minutes, and encourage your partner to give oral sex before penetration. Use a Water-Based Lubricant Brands like Durex and Fiesta reduce friction and make penetration smoother. Take It Slow Breathe deeply and relax your muscles. The more relaxed you are, the less painful it will be. Try Pelvic Floor Exercises Kegels can help loosen the vaginal muscles and improve control during sex. Mentally Prepare Yourself Read erotic stories or explore your body through self-pleasure. It helps you understand your arousal points and what feels good. If none of this works or if you're still scared, that's okay too. Take your time, there’s no deadline for when you have to lose your virginity. Your comfort and consent matter most. And if needed, speak to a sex therapist .

Question

johnwedoit · Accepted Answer

You're not alone painful first time sex is more common than you think, and what you experienced sounds like a condition called vaginismus. This is when your vaginal muscles involuntarily tighten, often due to anxiety, fear, or lack of arousal. It can make penetration feel nearly impossible.

Sometimes, pain also comes from the hymen stretching or tearing. That doesn't mean you're not ready, it just means your body may need more preparation.

If you decide to try again, here are ways to make it less painful:

Spend More Time on Foreplay
Foreplay helps you relax and get aroused. Take at least 20 minutes, and encourage your partner to give oral sex before penetration.

Use a Water-Based Lubricant
Brands like Durex and Fiesta reduce friction and make penetration smoother.

Take It Slow
Breathe deeply and relax your muscles. The more relaxed you are, the less painful it will be.

Try Pelvic Floor Exercises
Kegels can help loosen the vaginal muscles and improve control during sex.

Mentally Prepare Yourself
Read erotic stories or explore your body through self-pleasure. It helps you understand your arousal points and what feels good.

If none of this works or if you're still scared, that's okay too. Take your time, there’s no deadline for when you have to lose your virginity. Your comfort and consent matter most. And if needed, speak to a sex therapist.

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